Ask Johnny Utah: “My Wife Won’t Stop Watching Shortboarders”


Can you blame her? Photo: Cédric Frixon // Unsplash


Editor’s Note: Believe it or not, Inertia receives countless questions about relationships and shredding. So much so, in fact, that we decided to task longtime columnist Johnny Utah to answer it in a bi-weekly advice column, Ask Johnny Utah.

Dear Johnny Utah,

Every time my wife and I go to the beach together I always see her eyeing young shortboarders. It’s not just a glance either, she openly uses her eyes to undress them from their chest zippers.

I mainly surf a longboard and have never seen her look at me with the same vigor. I’m starting to feel offended and a little jealous. Mainly because I think shortboarders are boys of fame who care more about landing than enjoying the soul of what makes surfing great – riding a wave and being in harmony with nature.

What if they could fly around in the air? I am her husband. I should be getting some kind of eye service no matter what board I ride. Should I be worried? And is there a way to get him to pay more attention to me and less to those guys who are riding shorter boards?

– Jealous in Jersey

Dear jealous,

Do you know what longboarders say about shortboards? Half the board, half the fun.

But 95% of surfing is about looking cool (the other five survive a water aerobics class gone awry), and shortboards are objectively cool. Driving a small rocket that launches plumes of water into the air demands your attention in a way that River Dancing simply can’t compete with a moving board.

And while they might not be having so much fun, real Scientific studies show that riding a shortboard increases your sex appeal by around 39%. Why do you think so many beginners buy shortboards instead of making the more elongated and logical choice? Sex sells. Maybe if longboarders focused on a few less fades that ruined the waves and discovered a more aggressive maneuver than leaning “soulfully” back, they could really increase their sex appeal.

Your wife probably sees all of those young men in tight suits throwing their cocks loosely and starts to let her imagination run wild. The good thing is ! Because nothing is really going to happen with these glorified pool boys. She’s not Mrs. Robinson and none of those surfers are fresh college Dustin Hoffman. It’s all just a fantasy, and we are all entitled to our bizarre fantasies, no matter how much volume they lack.

By the way, have you ever dated a young surfer? It is a horrible experience. Imagine sleeping with a sailor who was surrounded exclusively by other sailors at sea for 40 days and neglected to shower, shave, or listen to anything other than The Dirty Heads. It is their basic existence. They are always wet. They smell of rotten seaweed. Everything in their apartment is covered with sand. All of your dinner dates will go to any Mexican food establishment that has the best burrito carne asada deal that day. They are excited about all but will explode whatever go surfing. And there’s no way they’ll throw a shaka at you after sex – and that’s frankly too high of a chance for anyone.

Is watching your wife ogle other men obnoxious? Sure. Everyone wants to be the center of their beautiful world. But there’s nothing wrong with looking, you know? It’s as if the ladies were telling Agent Pappas at the Topless Tabernacle – “Watching is free, but touching is going to cost money.” And she’s just watching. I think if you give him the old “Wow, you never look at me like that!” she’ll probably get the hint.

Or just grab a thruster and learn how to throw fucking buckets. Then you can enjoy a whole shore’s attention all to yourself.

Editor’s Note: If you didn’t realize it was satire from the first few sentences, drop us a line and we’ll immediately send someone to hit you on the head with a frying pan.


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